


These Days

by ReederJoe



Series: The Amazing One-Shots Are Not On Fire [7]
Category: Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I'm Sorry, Lots of cuddles, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Reminiscing, dan comforts phil, dan sings to phil, it's 2024, it's phil's last day with dan, kinda like a song fic, no i'm not, phil comforts dan too, phil has cancer, the internet is here, this is the most fun i've ever had
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 12:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9324272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReederJoe/pseuds/ReederJoe
Summary: Phil has terminal cancer and it's one of 'those' days, the kind that force Dan to see the situation as real. The days that won't let him pretend everything is okay, that Phil isn't sick.It's also the last day.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance for breaking your hearts.

Dan hated these days.

            He hated the way the clouds covered everything and made the world look like a hazy orb of dirt. He hated how blindingly bright the sun was when he looked out the window. He hated the sound of the rain pattering against the roof when he sat in the office, trying to edit and pretend that nothing was wrong.

            Most of all, though, he hated the way his heart seized in his chest every time he got a text, because it meant Phil was still there and still alive and still with him. He tried not to think about the way it would feel when he no longer got messages asking for water or ribena or, on a good day, something to eat. How ironic that Phil had spent so long drilling it into Dan’s head that not eating would hurt his body, and now it was all Dan could do to get Phil to eat some toast every now and then. He would’ve given anything to walk into the kitchen and catch Phil with his cereal box again.

            Still, as much as Dan hated these days that were so much worse than the others, it gave him a sense of accomplishment to know that he was able to repay just a little bit of the debt he owed Phil. The debt he’d started when Phil saved his life nearly fifteen years ago. It felt like a lifetime had passed. He shuddered when he realized how close to the truth he really was.

            Dan only bothered to protect the work he’d gotten done because he knew it would make Phil sad if he knew that Dan had worked that hard and then let it get lost. He wanted Phil to be proud of him, now more than ever. He had this terrible fear that something would happen and Phil would be sad or angry or disappointed at the exact moment he died. That thought was on his mind as he made his way down the hall to their bedroom, where Phil was currently tucked into the bed. He’d been there all morning, as today was one of the _bad days_ , the days when Phil could barely move without crying from the pain or throwing up because he was so dizzy. Dan always knew how it was going to go when he woke up to the sound of Phil sniffling into his pillow, obviously trying to hide the noise from Dan.

            “Hey,” Dan called softly, once he stood under the door’s frame. He could just make out Phil’s features in the dark room, so he could almost see the smile that broke out on Phil’s face when he saw Dan. Dan wondered if that meant the aches had died down some, and then he swallowed the sudden lump that appeared as he mentally changed his word choice. “What did you need?” Dan asked as sweetly as possible, because the text had been blank.

            “Wanted,” Phil started in a weak tone, stopping after only one word because it felt so exhausting to move his lips. He closed his mouth and then opened it again. “Wanted to see you.” Dan wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or smile. Phil had been getting more and more like this in the past few weeks. Dan tried not to think about what it probably meant.

            “Well,” Dan said, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed. “Here I am. How’s it feel to be graced with my presence?” His sarcasm was the only thing holding him together these days.

            “Could’ve…been better,” Phil replied quietly, smiling wider than before. One arm reached out to Dan and he took Phil’s hand and held it tightly. “But I’ll take…what I can get.” There was a moment of silence as Phil seemed to deliberate something, and then: “Will you…stay?”

            “Of course,” was Dan’s immediate response, and he shifted around so that he could curl up beside Phil. He took position as the big spoon, something he’d only recently started doing, and wrapped his arms loosely around Phil, hoping the pressure wouldn’t make him hurt worse. He didn’t have to wonder for long because Phil pulled Dan’s arms tighter, tugging him closer, and then he laid his head back to rest on Dan’s shoulder. Dan really hated the sight of Phil’s bald head, but he’d never admit that fact to Phil, not even after he was gone.

            “I was editing the new baking video,” Dan murmured against Phil’s ear. They’d filmed it a couple weeks ago, on a day that Phil had felt well enough to stand up and walk around and start a food fight with the flour. Dan wondered if anyone would be able to tell. “I hadn’t realized how big a mess we made.”

            Phil laughed at Dan’s words, but the sound quickly devolved into a coughing fit, and Dan rubbed Phil’s stomach to soothe the muscles there. “Maybe…” Phil whispered after a moment, “we can…do another Sims.” It’d been a couple months since they uploaded to their gaming channel, and Dan had to admit he was excited about that possibility.

            “We will,” Dan promised, leaning over to press his lips to Phil’s cheek.

            “I’m holding you…to that,” Phil told him, lifting a finger and trying to shake it at Dan. After a few minutes of peaceful silence, Dan felt Phil relax in his arms, and he let the sound of Phil’s breathing soothe him,  As long as Phil slept, he wouldn’t know how often Dan cried.

 

X  X  X  X  X

 

            His hands slapped at the sheets while his eyes darted back and forth, searching for something he knew wasn’t here. In a span of about thirty seconds, he was up and dressed and out the door into the hallway. He could hear a slight commotion coming from the kitchen, and he made his way slowly toward the sound. The sight he was presented with was enough to send him reeling, back slamming into the wall behind him.

            “Phil, what the hell?” He blinked, trying to make his brain believe what he was seeing or make his eyes stop seeing something that wasn’t there. Either would have been fine with him. But, when he opened his eyes again, Phil was still standing by the cupboard, cereal box in one hand and cereal in the other. Phil’s hand was frozen at his lips, and he stared at Dan with a sheepish grin. Black fringe fell into one blue eye, and Dan felt very dizzy all of a sudden.

            “Aww,” was Phil’s response, light-hearted and said through a smile that sent a shiver down Dan’s spine. “You finally caught me!” He was smiling impossibly wide as he tucked the box back into the corner that Dan had always thought was a decent hiding space. A small part of his mind wondered where he could hide it now. The rest of his mind wanted to know how Phil was standing here with no pain in his face and hair on his head and not a single trace of the terrible disease that had been eating at him for almost a year now.

            He took a step toward the kitchen and braced a hand on the door frame, trying not to fall apart. He let his eyes close for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and finger, and then he opened them again.

            The kitchen was empty.

            Dan stared at the box of cereal in the corner, untouched for the past two weeks. He could even see a bit of dust on the flap. Nobody had even been near it in days. “Have I finally gone crazy?” He thought to himself, and then he heard another sound, this time from the living room. He walked toward it automatically, half-hoping he’d see another hallucination.

            Phil was on the sofa, slumped to one side and paler than he’d ever been before. He held something up to his mouth and coughed, and when he pulled it away, Dan saw the unmistakable sign that everything was about to get worse.

            “Phil?” Dan’s voice was meek, and he stood in the doorway as he waited for a reply. When he got nothing, he went to stand in front of Phil, and to his utter horror, he discovered the trash bin at Phil’s feet- it was full of the bloody tissues. He went into panic mode, fumbling for his cell phone and then struggling to calm his nerves enough so he could dial the number. He was about to press _send_ when he felt a cold hand on his arm.

            “Don’t.” Phil looked up at him with pleading eyes, and Dan stopped his motions. He felt a slight tug on his skin and Phil said, “Sit.”

            Dan plopped down beside Phil, and he pushed himself over to lean his head on Dan’s shoulder. His left hand found Dan’s right, and their fingers intertwined on Phil’s lap. “How long?” Dan couldn’t find the energy to form a whole sentence.

            “Couple…hours,” Phil replied, taking in a ragged breath and then coughing into his hand again. Dan could hear the rattling in Phil’s chest and he knew what it meant.

            “Let me call someone,” Dan begged, reaching for his phone again, but not getting far because Phil gripped his hand impossibly tight and shook his head. Dan sighed, but didn’t press it. Deep down, he knew they couldn’t save him, anyway. They’d both been told how this would end. Instead, he sent a text to Louise.

**_i think it’s time_ **

**_he wont let me call the nurse_ **

**_i’ll let you know_ **

            There was nothing but silence between them for a few minutes after that, Phil twisting around so he could lay his head in Dan’s lap and Dan using his free hand to stroke Phil’s cheek. At that moment in time, he wanted nothing more than to stroke his fingers through Phil’s hair, and the realization that he’d never be able to again was like a punch in the gut. He didn't know how he knew, but he could feel that their time together was almost up. He was sure Phil could feel it, too.

            “Sing to me,” Phil asked. Dan’s eyes popped open at the request- nobody had ever asked him to do that. 

            “What do you want to hear?” Dan asked, hating the idea of it but knowing he was going to if it meant giving Phil some peace in his final moments.

            “Anything,” Phil said with another cough, this time feeling it like a knife in his lungs. He turned his head so he could look up and see Dan’s face. In the decade and a half that he’d known Dan, there’d never been anyone more beautiful. He was glad this could be in his memory for one more day. “I like…your voice.”

            Truthfully, there was only one song Dan could think of that seemed fitting, though it’d been forever since he sang the words. He started out soft and low, self-conscious about hearing himself even though it was just the two of them. It’d been years since their tour, but it would always be one of his strongest memories. It was the last series of moments where Phil was himself. The last time he was healthy and able.

            When Dan got to the chorus, he was holding back tears. Phil watched his lips move and decided he wanted to feel them one last time, so he sat himself up and ignored the sharp pain shooting through him every time he breathed. His hands went to Dan’s shoulders and he tried to support himself enough to kiss Dan, silencing him halfway through a verse. Dan’s arms wound around Phil’s waist and when Phil fell sideways, they ended up curling into each other on the sofa.

            “Without the internet,” Dan sang, right against Phil’s lips. His cheeks were slick with tears, but he didn’t bother wiping them away.

            “We never…would have met.” Phil smiled at that verse, remembering those days from the very beginning. It seemed like an entire lifetime ago.

            “And there’s not a single thing that I regret,” Dan finished, and they kissed once more. That line had always been Phil’s favorite- if there was anything to regret, it would have been that he had waited so long to propose. He could still see the way Dan’s face lit up that day. He closed his eyes to conjure the image, but then he felt torn because he also wanted to see Dan’s face right now. The pain in his chest wasn’t so bad anymore, but it was harder to breathe. It wasn’t particularly a bad feeling.

            “This is the most fun I’ve ever had,” Dan whispered after a moment, pulling Phil close to him. Phil felt his own tears now, and the sudden weight of the reality settled in. What was Dan going to do without him? What would it be like in the afterlife? Would Dan be okay? What would he tell their fans? He’d have to go through that alone-

            “I love you, Phil,” Dan said, and Phil’s mind scattered. “I’ll always love you.” His palm rested on the back of Phil’s head, and he made a motion like he was stroking Phil’s hair.

            “I love you, too,” Phil replied, tucking his head under Dan’s chin. “Always.”

 

X  X  X  X  X

 

            It’d be almost a week later, after returning back to their flat after the funeral, that Dan would remember that he and Phil were supposed to film a gaming video that day.

**Author's Note:**

> Send your hate to the ask box of reederjoe on tumblr.


End file.
